Worthless, stupid, & unimportant

I'm So Angry

I never wanted to be a mother

PPD & dealing

Anti-depressants

 

As I got older, my reasons for crying myself to sleep changed.

Now I cried myself to sleep as a result of the verbal abuse I endured during conversations with my father when I saw him every second weekend. During this time in my life, I was desperately trying to gain the unconditional love, acceptance, and guidance from the father that I loved so deeply - but found myself belittled and rejected by his hurtful words.

I began to feel worthless, stupid, unimportant, and invalid.

This fueled my anger, which seemed to grow stronger as the years went by. I would get so angry thinking to myself what do I have to say to make him love me or even show me one verbal affirmation of my decisions and ideas? Why is he so goddamn mean to me? What did I ever do to him? Why won't he love me?

At the age of eleven, the anger burning inside me took over my life. This was the year that I experienced the most aggressive physical rages - taking out my anger physically on my sister and my cousin.

There were many times my mom would come home and my sister and I would be in separate corners of the room crying because we had gotten into another fight and I beat the crap out of her. I would yell and scream at loved ones who tried to tell me what to do. I would throw things and punch walls. I threatened to run away from home many times and attempted to do so twice. I felt no one understood what I was going through or even cared for that matter.

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