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My
Darkest Days
Adrienne
Kelsey bravely shares her story about post-partum
depression, hating herself, hating her child
and the anger she felt about becoming the
one thing she never wanted to become - a mother.
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A
note from Adrienne: My story
is real. It's so real that I
am terrified to share it with
you. Not because I'm ashamed
of what I've done and said,
and not because I'm afraid you
will judge and ridicule me -
I did the best I could given
the circumstances. What I am
truly terrified of is that I
will not reach you on some level
of understanding, and there
will be no compassion and forgiveness
for those who have suffered
like I have.
This
story is not just about my depression
- that's only the beginning.
The root of this story lies
in the post-partum depression
I suffered after the birth of
my first child, Tyler*. However,
I feel you will be more prepared
for my account on post partum
depression if you have some
knowledge of my background with
depression beforehand.
My
greatest wish is that you will
read this story with an open
mind and be able to find it
in your heart to to understand
the pain and desperation I went
through. Some of the things
I reveal may sound horrible
and shameful, but I am hoping
the information I divulge from
my research will open the door
for compassion and forgiveness.
Thank
you for taking this journey
with me.
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Depression
is a scary thing… it's a very scary
thing. I know this is true, because
I have suffered from its destructive
capabilities since the age of four.
It has overwhelmed me so completely,
filling my mind and body with so many
poisonous thoughts and emotions - seeing
everything negatively; being preoccupied
and worried; dwelling on negative past
events; feelings of guilt, inadequacy,
failure, worthlessness, emptiness, and
fatigue; withdrawing from people; poor
concentration; loss of interest in normally
pleasurable activities; and worst of
all, feeling that life is not worth
living, a wish to be dead, and active
thoughts of suicide.
I
believe my depression was triggered
as a result of my parents divorce. I
had a very special bond with my father.
He was my everything… he was my
hero. When he left, it affected me so
traumatically that I transformed from
a sweet, playful little girl into a
mean, hurtful, angry little monster.
The
intense anger and hurt that I felt carried
on into my young childhood and teenage
years. I would cry myself to sleep most
nights - buried under a blanket, sobbing
so hard my chest ached and head throbbed.
At
first I would cry because I missed my
daddy and wished he would come home.
I kept asking myself, “Why did
you leave me daddy? I miss you so much
daddy that it hurts inside? Can't you
see my pain? Please come home.”
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